I have a lot to explain, even if I feel no one cares to listen.
Contrary to what I'm told directly, I am in fact, a horrible person. It's easy to ask for pity even when I'm not purposefully trying to, but I'll try to say this anyway. I've done too much, caused too much hurt. I've been a prick. A lowlife undeserving of anything nice. I'm being honest. There may have been a day where I deserved nice things but it's not now. Not for a long time. I took something that came out from the corners of the shadows, something great and amazing and beautiful, and I got complacent. Hesitant. Lazy. I let my own emotional state ravage something that was just trying to be my better half. I was delusional, I was trying to cover up my own faults and inabilities and bad habits. Now that I'm alone I feel dead inside. Maybe it's what I deserve. I deserve to be alone after all the shit I've done, the shit I've said to the girl I wanted to marry one day, have two or three blond and brunette and maybe redheaded children with unique thought out names like Isaac or Dehya. I used to have a future but because of my apparent immaturity with the aspects of young adult life that matter, I have no future at all anymore, except my own, uncertain lonely one.
Kristina is right when she says things got steadily worse since the beginning of 2013. Most if not all of it was my fault. Yes I didn't get my first job until I was 21 and yes it was mostly due to the area being shit poor of opportunities. But even finally having a job didn't help me become more of the man that was needed. All it did really was add to my stresses. "In the moment" and "Hindsight" are two completely different emotional states, the latter being the true one and the former a distorted mess of shit that I can't really explain. But in the moment of our fights, spats, arguments, misunderstandings, I faulted, hard. When something would come up that was hurting Kristy, and was something I needed to do or work on, I would get so frustrated that I'd do and say anything to make it go away instead of actually trying to understand it in a civil way. My hands would rub my face a mile a minute and I'd say "I don't know what to say", "there's nothing to solve", and I'd eventually just repeat "okay..." to get her off my case so I'd stop feeling so frustrated. As with anything in Hindsight, it was wrong of me to say these things. And now it's gotten so decayed that the love of my life is gone living a "new" life with another guy and my place at her side has been replaced with someone everyone cheers is better and more amazing. The girl that helped me with my depression, who actually gave me a smile and a hug and love and all of my firsts was happy and growing, without me. How do you think I'd react? Calmly, immediately accept it and move on? I wish, but sadly no. I've been warned that I have anger management issues and the one thing that made me truly happy for six years straight suddenly died. Even though it is incredibly the wrong thing to do yes I became infuriated, yes I became belligerent, yes I threatened and cursed and taunted and cried my f!cking eyes out. When she announced she was in another relationship everything that I was trying so hard to keep in just spilled out beyond my control. I asked a coworker to cover the cash register and not even a minute later I'm sobbing in the corner of Hardware & Tools. Two minutes later I'm sobbing in front of my Zone Manager. Three times I cried my heart out on the phone to Kristina pleading that it wasn't real, begging to wake me up from this nightmare. All she could say was that she was sorry. A few days later I had to quit. Then came the months of unrequited, irreversible hate and rage. Does she deserve it? No. Of course not, ever. Could I had stopped myself? Most likely not. Or else none of this would have escalated so badly to the point where I've been warned by dA about my attitude, and Kristina's family reported me to the police for Harassment. A family I had thought had at least slightly positive feelings toward me, a girl who stated she loved me so much, would rather see me locked up in prison for one year. And then one of her "best friends" from the east coast pretends to be a girl from Massachusetts that drags me along, making me think someone else is interested in me. Not only am I left alone to realize how awful I am but my heart is toyed with intentionally by one of her friends.
It's been five months. Almost half a year without her and I'm finally thinking the rage is mostly gone. I'm trying, so, very hard to stay my anger. I changed my dA name to try and clear the slate a little, to get away with a name that's been tarnished so badly. I want a better life but I fear I've destroyed any chance of being happy again. I've been trying to accept the fact that I may never feel a genuine smile on my face again, that I'll never have another love, that I'll die alone and with a laundry list of regrets. But I'm not asking for pity. I willingly did this to myself. I chose to be an ass so I deserve the worst life has to give. The saying goes everyone deserves a second chance. Kristina gave me a million second chances, and yet I still did nothing but waste them. So then what do I deserve now. Obviously very little.
Then again, those of you who bother to read all this, I've read your comments on Kristina's journal(s). I know where you stand and I know you see me with disgust and resentment. Rightfully so, but then what's the point of me even trying anymore. The point of this journal. If there's no hope of even bring any of this back to a neutral stance, then all of this is just wasted effort. I know some of you tried to be there for me at first. Elle, Michaela, Nick, others on here. But I continued to be bitter and ruthless so none of you give a shit anymore. Your effort didn't go unnoticed, but I wasn't strong enough to let it affect me.
Six of the best years of my entire life, ending with the worst months of my life. And it's my fault. She moves on to better, happier years while I sink into and remain miserable in what I most likely deserve. It's unbelievable that I'm actually not the nice guy in this story.